More About Me

 Hello Readers!

      As I am trying to find my niche blogging topics, I would like to talk more about my past experiences. Like I said in my first post, I grew up south of Atlanta and money was hard to come by. My biological father was totally blind from a car wreck he was in at 18, so he got a disability check which in turn I got one due to being his dependent. I really never got to spend it though, because my mom used it for household needs which was better at the time. Along with that, I couldn't get a job because my mom and ex-step dad told me that I wouldn't get as much of a disability check if I worked. I feel like not working dampened my confidence with jobs in general because of me being awkward in social situations. 

      With me openly admitting that I am awkward in social situations, I feel like I should have been diagnosed with autism at an early age but given the fact that girls are harder to diagnose due to boys being the guinea pigs and the standards of autism primarily focused on them. I would seek a diagnosis, but I've heard the waitlist for adults is a few years. A few more reasons why I should have been diagnosed is that one: I sometimes have a hard time reading social cues (this became a bit more evident to me through reflection of my early years when I was most gullible and wanted to be everyone's friend and no one hardly wanted to be mine). Two: I've always been a rule follower to the point of taking it a bit too far (especially with medicine). Three: I do have a few special interests (Stuffed Animals, writing, reading) but I know there's a lot of people who share those interests. My fourth reason is that I did do the nesting thing with my blankets and stuff along with making a nest in my closet a few times. I know that there's more to being diagnosed with autism, but these are just a few of the things that I really wanted to speak about.

      While I would love to get a check for it, I know there's a million other reasons and people who would say that I would be using the government for it. Most likely though, if I were to get a check it would have something to do with the anxiety and depression I experience but there would be the naysayers who think that these things are all in my head. Also, I'm capable of doing things that some are not and that is why I am working on my writing. Having an actual diagnosis would just put my mind at ease so I can move forward in life with better skills than I already have. It just really hurts me that I can't actually get help due to not having the money to go to therapy.

      Back to growing up, I had some friends but like I mentioned before I had a hard time with social cues in some situations. Knowing this now along with looking back, I allowed myself to get used by some people that I thought were friends and even bullied at some points but in the sense that I allowed myself to get pushed around. My earliest remembrances of being bullied, used and pushed around is the girls that I played with when their mom babysat me and their friends would`disclude me and talk bad about me right in front of my face. My second remembrance would be a daughter of one of my mom's coworkers who would come over in the mornings to wait for the bus with me and some of the other kids at the bus stop would cross the street and physically push me and call me names. I had told the bus driver multiple times and it eventually got resolved, leading to one of the other kids' mom bringing them to my door and making them apologize to me in person. The girl that apologized and her mom were African American, so this was my first encounter of when black mamas don't play around. Right around this second situation, I did have one black guy friend who lived on my street but he was a bit younger than me so he didn't think I was weird or anything and his mom was actually my sub at one point so I knew she didn't play around.

      Another issue I had with friends is that they always had friends they'd prefer more than me thus making them more like acquaintances. This also tied in with my family being poor and I was almost always out of the loop for most of the trends. With that, it was hard to make friends and know about what was popular yet sometimes I didn't always like what was popular due to the influence of my parents. While I had a hard time with making friends at school, I also had trouble with making friends at the church I went to growing up. I'm not sure why I did, but the kids at church were just as cliquish as the kids at school and I didn't know how to interact with them either because they had their own interests that I was lost on. It's always made me feel like a background character in everyone else's story and I'm almost desperate to change it without being too desperate.

      Desperation aside, I can't really make anyone be my friend because I'm not a monster and I want all of my friendships to be genuine. So my advice for everyone is to not blatantly hide things from those who care about you. The world really needs more transparency and less side-stepping the truth. Love you guys!

               -Liz